The word ‘spanking’ is a mystification. That is, it is a word that hides the truth about what you are doing to your child. What you are really doing when you are ‘spanking’ is hitting. Hitting a child is an act of violence. Hitting a child is physical abuse. This is the accurate and honest way to describe what you are doing.

Some parents will say, "But I’m only popping my son on the hand" or "I’m only slapping my daughter on the butt. That’s not hitting." What you need to know is that whatever you choose to call it, whether it be slapping, swatting, smacking, paddling, popping, potching or whuppin’, you are still doing the exact same thing. You are hitting your child and in doing so, you are physically abusing your child.

In the United States there is an ongoing debate over whether or not parents should be allowed to hit their child. The topic is discussed as if the parent has a choice in the matter. Well, the fact of the matter is there is no room for debate and there is no choice. Hitting your child is not an option. It is wrong, period.

This statement rests on the five following universal and eternal truths that apply to all human beings who live on this earth.

At this point you may not like the ideas being introduced here. It is often upsetting to be presented with new information that presents an opposing view to the one which you have held for so many years.

Just as it is important for you to acknowledge the universal and eternal truth, "NO HUMAN BEING HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING" it is also important for you to understand the negative repercussions that result from hitting a child.

The child learns that the way to resolve conflict and work out problems is by using force. Shoving, pushing, pulling, biting, kicking and hitting are used by the child as a means of problem solving. As time goes on, this child may grow into a person who uses violence, threats and coercion in relations with others.

The experience of being hit damages the trust that binds parent and child together. The hit child is less able to see the parent as a source of comfort and protection. Instead, the child learns to associate the parent with the unpleasant feelings of being hit. The parent is now seen as a danger and the child comes to resent his/her mother or father. Simply put, a child cannot love or trust someone who is hurting him/her.

Hitting often begins a cycle of violence that escalates both in frequency and severity. What begins as a mild ‘spanking’ turns into an all-out rageful attack as the parent experiences growing anger and frustration. The parent who believes himself/herself to be in control quickly finds out that just the opposite is true.

Hitting teaches the child that adults have ultimate authority over his/her body, including the right to inflict pain. This may contribute to a later acceptance of child sexual abuse, sexual harassment, domestic violence and other forms of victimization.

No part of the body was made for physical punishment. A parent can cause irreparable harm to any part of the body that s/he hits.

Some people will say, "So, you think I should just let my kids run wild and have complete control of the house. Oh no, I won’t let my kids run my life!" You are right. You should not allow your children to run wild and to have their way whenever they want. All children need structure and limits. They need guidelines and well-defined boundaries. Providing them with clear and consistent rules contributes to their sense of security and well-being and helps shape their moral and emotional development. Such an environment can best be achieved when the parent uses the following ways to parent.

When explaining potentially dangerous situations use concrete examples to help the child learn. Begin using examples at about age two. For instance - not touching electrical outlets, plugs, or light sockets - let the child experience static electricity. Put flannel or wool clothing in the dryer. As soon as the clothes are dry let the child take the clothes out. The child will feel a mild electric shock. Or, have the child rub his/her tennis shoes on a carpet for one minute. Then ask the child to touch a metal doorknob. The child will feel a mild electric shock. Explain that touching any kind of electrical outlet will produce a much greater shock which could be deadly. (All electric sockets should be childproof until age five). Another example - crossing the street - take the child’s hand and walk out into the street several feet. Let the child experience the whooshing of cars as they go by and let the child see how fast they are moving. Explain that cars can knock children down and run them over. Discuss the necessity of looking in both directions before crossing the street. The next time there is a dead animal lying in the road bring it to the child’s attention and discuss how and why it was killed.

Teaching by example will help children learn the reasons why certain behaviors are preferable or necessary. Children will stay out of the street, not out of fear of getting a ‘spanking,’ but because they know that they could be hit by a car. Children will stay away from the stove, not out of fear of getting a ‘spanking,’ but because they have been shown pictures of people who have been burned by fire and can see for themselves how dangerous it is. This is real learning. Always teach by using examples whenever possible.

Always praise your child when s/he is behaving in ways that you feel are positive and appropriate. All children seek out approval and validation, so praising them will make them feel good about themselves. They will want to continue to act in these positive and appropriate ways.

If possible, sit down and have a two-way conversation with your child. State how you feel about any inappropriate behavior and then let your child have a chance to tell you how s/he perceives the situation. Gather as much information as possible, air out feelings and talk about other more appropriate ways of behaving. Getting in the habit of sitting down and talking about problems and differences will send a clear message that you value communication and that you believe it is possible to work through conflict in a positive and constructive way.

Make a connection between your child’s behavior and the consequences that may result from that behavior. Explain that the next time s/he acts inappropriately, a time out may be given or a privilege may be taken away. For example, if a child is about to throw an object you can say, "If you throw that there will be consequences." At this point, the child will most likely lower his hand in an attempt to avoid an unpleasant consequence.

The card game helps to reinforce the idea of consequences. The child is shown four cards. A green card signifies the child’s good behavior. A yellow card signifies that the child has been warned about any inappropriate behavior. A blue card signifies that the child must take a time out. A red card signifies that the child will now receive a more serious consequence such as not getting an allowance that week, not being allowed to watch a favorite television program, or having some other privilege taken away. The child starts the day out with a green card which changes in relation to his/her behavior. If the card remains green throughout the day the child may be rewarded with a special treat.

As a last resort, give your child a time out. The length of the time out should correspond with the age of the child. A three year old should get a three minute time out, a four year old, a four minute time out. Ask the child to go to his/her room, to sit down and to think about the reason for the time out. After the time is over, sit down and have a two-way conversation about the child’s behavior. Then discuss alternative ways of behaving. Begin giving time outs at about age two.

If you feel yourself reaching your boiling point, remove yourself from your child’s presence. Explain that you need to calm down and think things over. Then go to your room, lie down, turn on the television or participate in an activity which will help you relax. When you feel more composed come out of your room and resolve the conflict in a constructive way.

If children are fighting over a toy or other object, take it away. Then separate the children for a short period of time, pointing out that they are unable to play cooperatively together. Another option is to take away the toy and put it in the closet. At the end of the year take out all the toys that have been stored in the closet, ask the children to wrap them up in holiday gift paper and then have them donate the toys to a charity that distributes gifts to needy children.

The child wants his/her parents’ time, attention, love and understanding. Since the child does not know how to come right out and ask for these needs when they are not being met, s/he will resort to everything and anything to get the needs fulfilled, even if it means hitting, screaming, calling you names, throwing objects or destroying property. So, before you discipline your child ask yourself, "What am I not giving my son or daughter to make him/her behave in such a way? Could it be possible that I have not been giving my child what s/he needs - quality time, attention, love and understanding?" If you stay open and honestly ask yourself this question, you will most probably find the reason for many of your child’s unpleasant behaviors.

Perhaps there is no better way to help you understand that hitting a child is wrong by telling you a very sad story that happened several years ago.

A father had been saving up money to buy a new car. A year passed and he finally had enough money for a down payment. Proudly, he drove his new car home and excitedly showed his wife and 2 1/2 year old daughter the car. As it happened, the father went into the garage to get some tools and the mother went inside the house to answer the phone, leaving the little girl inside the car all by herself. Finding a pen on the seat beside her, she picked it up and, thinking that it was a toy of sorts, she began poking holes in the upholstery. When the father saw what she had done, he yanked her out of the car and slapped her hand very hard several times. "Bad girl, bad girl, never do that again," he yelled. That night the little girl’s hand swelled up. By morning it had turned an unsightly color. So, the father decided to take his daughter to the doctor.

After an X-ray and several other tests the doctor came into the examining room. Pulling the father aside he said in a very sad voice, "You know you have a very large hand and your daughter’s hand is so small. I am sorry but there has been such severe damage that I will have to amputate your little girl’s hand."

Because of stories like this we must fight to end the physical and emotional harm that can result from such a practice.  We must fight for human rights for all people, both big and small.  Remember, there are other effective ways to interact with your son or daughter. Try them. They work. The next time your hand goes up to hit, ask yourself, "Do I really need to do this or is there something else that I can do to promote change in my child?"